Natalie Intro:
Hey, everyone, welcome back to the podcast. Today I’m excited to chat with a woman who has a story that is going to land deeply with many of you. My guest today is Kirsty, and I’ve had the privilege of being her coach.

Before we dive in, a quick heads-up: This episode, and our whole mental health series, dives into some incredibly personal and sensitive experiences. We’ll be talking about mental health, family trauma, and the journey toward an ADHD diagnosis. Please listen with care, and remember, if you know someone, or yourself, needs support, help is available. We’ll have resources in the show notes.

Kirsty gets candid about a lifetime of self-critique and the moment she realised a lot of her “failings” could be explained by neurodiversity. We talk about the raw moment she read her brother’s psychological report and began to unravel her own past. This is a story about the hidden struggles behind a highly successful businesswoman, the pressures of being a mum, and the mental load women carry.

This episode is a masterclass in resilience and self-kindness. We talk about the power of having some distance from your usual life, why the business world needs to be more flexible for people who think differently, and how sometimes the most strategic thing you can do for your business is to do the hard work on yourself.

Get ready for some real, straight-talking insights on self-kindness, purpose, and how doing the work on yourself makes you a better partner, parent, and business owner.

Let’s get into it.

00:00:03

Kirsty: Wouldn’t be the. Wouldn’t be the first time.

00:00:05

Natalie: Exactly. Wouldn’t be the first time. I told you to be quiet or.

00:00:09

Kirsty: Anyone has told me that.

00:00:13

Natalie: I’m so excited to be chatting with you. You reached out to me to be on the podcast, but actually unbeknownst to you, I already had you on my list to come and join the podcast series around mental health and business. I think you’ve got a really powerful story to share and I have to say I was lucky enough to go through some of it with you, which can sound quite funny from a coach, but actually I love being in that messy areas when people are going through, I don’t know, some ups and downs. So I remember in some of our coaching sessions, you, you would often be. There’d be some, some overwhelm, let’s just call it that. And not. And maybe not getting the stuff done that you wanted to and I kindly just gently put out sometimes. Hey, have you ever thought about if you had some ADHD tendencies? So welcome, welcome, Kirsty. I’d love for you to. Yeah, jump in, jump in there and just share your journey to, I suppose to today and just don’t feel like you’re gonna over chat. Just get in it.

00:01:32

Kirsty: Okay. There’s quite a lot. So I’m gonna try and not overwhelm everyone for the next four hours. You know how I talk. It could be. Yeah, Well, I guess the backstory is that there’s a lot of neurodiversity and mental health conditions within my wider family. And that in itself has been a really big journey, apart from then kind of layering my own into it as well. Like I just. The more I learn about what else is in my family, the more it makes me curious because I’m like, well, that can’t all exist and I’ve got off scot free. Like that just isn’t. And not to say that it’s, you know, a burden necessarily, but it is, it’s challenges. And the more you get to know about yourself, the more you’re able to manage those things or understand why you’re responding certain ways. And I was definitely at a place last year where I was critiquing myself a lot for all of my failings, which I also now know is a great ADHD trait. My rejection, sensitivity, dysmorphia was in overdrive where I was like, why is everyone else able to do all these things and I can’t? And not focusing on the things that actually I can do that other people can’t it was very much that comparison from a negative perspective. And actually, I got my brother’s full psych report last year that had his eight different diagnoses in it. And I had never seen the whole report before. I’d always seen snippets. He’d always been quite careful about what he’d shared. And when I read the whole thing, that was my trigger of I need to look into some things for myself. It actually triggered a whole lot for me because it made me go, what have I also passed on to my children? And I should have known more of these things about what’s in my DNA, because there are genetic predispositions to things, and then we can sort of work to whether they come forward more or less and all that sort of stuff. All things that I’ve learned in the last kind of nine months. So, yeah, it was. It was kind of that. That started some thinking on top of you and admittedly, two other people on one day questioning me whether this was something I thought about that then actually got me really looking at it more seriously. So the more I understand about it, the more I realize, oh, yeah, check every box. And funnily enough, when I got my diagnosis, the funniest thing was I rang my husband. I was in tears because I was almost like a relief. Like, you. I think I sent you a message.

00:03:55

Natalie: You messaged me.

00:03:56

Kirsty: And I just remember, yeah, it was like a relief, but also like a. Oh, my God, like, how did I not know this about myself for 44 years? Like, that just seemed ridiculous to me. Um, and he was kind of surprised. My husband was like, oh, really? Like, so you are. Because his, I don’t know, expectations of what it looked like was like, most people’s. It’s the young boys that can’t sit still in the classroom that bounce around the walls and, you know, that kind of stuff. And he was like, but you don’t do that. And I’m like, no, but my brain’s doing it a hundred percent of the time. So physically, I might not be doing it, but my brain is. Is overwhelmed and funny, we talked to someone over here. We’re in Australia at the moment. Was talking to someone a couple of weeks ago, and they were talking about adhd, and he said, oh, no, she tooks every box. Because he’s now been through a journey of learning. So we’ve gone from me learning stuff about myself to everyone else realizing stuff. And I actually had a very interesting sharing with my whole little crew a couple of weeks ago. I think that they all went, oh, my God. That’s what happens in your brain. I had no idea. Which was pretty funny.

00:05:03

Natalie: Do you want to share, actually, like, how it was showing up for you in business, like just how you. What your brain was doing? I think that’s, yeah, really interesting.

00:05:12

Kirsty: Well, funnily enough, since then I’ve worked with another person who was asking me to explain what my business is. And when I was laying it all out, they were like, okay, and there’s more. And I was going, yeah, yeah, there’s more. Like, there’s no refinement of going, I’m going to stick in one lane. I’m going to work on one thing. It’s like I have the capability to do lots of things, so I’ll do all the things. Yeah. And there were things that I wanted to get to, but I wasn’t getting to. And I was getting probably more and more frustrated with myself of not following processes that I had in place or systems that I was setting up that I was like, but why am I not sticking. Like the system’s there, why am I not doing it? And one of the big things that stood out to me was I knew I was having an impact on the people who were in support roles with me. So I run my own business. I have people who work with me as contractors. I have a va. I have an accounts person. And luckily they’re very, very, very forgiving of me and my issues because often things would come last minute or they would need to follow me up and check in on, you know, where’s the set. They wanted their amount of time to do things in their nice, calm way. And I was going to be doing it at the last minute because I wait until the adrenaline comes and that’s when it’s due, not 10 weeks earlier when I first get the project. So that’s probably some of the key things.

00:06:23

Natalie: That’s what I love about you, though, is that you’ve got. You’ve been able to grow a great business, even though this is happening for.

00:06:29

Kirsty: You, in spite of my.

00:06:32

Natalie: To be very nice way to put it, but I think that’s why it’s really important that we talk about it. Because when you did get the diagnosis, and I’m just so proud of you for the speed in which you went and got it sorted, I was like, okay, that’s really efficient.

00:06:47

Kirsty: Yeah.

00:06:47

Natalie: What has it done? What. What have you been able to, I suppose, do within the business? Knowing what it is now, are you kinder to yourself? Like, what have you. What are you, what have you done?

00:06:57

Kirsty: I definitely think I’m kinder to myself. I don’t think I’ve done enough in terms of getting things really working for myself. Like, I still, I’m going to take on that thing because that’s going to help me. But then that thing doesn’t get attention because it’s not bright and shiny and in my face like client workers. Like client work gets attention because that’s what pays the bills and that’s what I get excited about. And so the other bits still kind of sit in the background. I’ve had a plan to get an online offering of what I do to leverage what I do more for how. When did I meet you, Nat? It was. It had been in play well before we met and it’s still not up because other things get in the way that are more interesting and get my attention for today. And so those things just never seem to get the, the momentum that they need to.

00:07:39

Natalie: But also just to. Just to kind of like be kind to you there. Like so many people have that best intention. But actually what you’ve been good at is the client work is bringing the money in. The build of a course to then market it is going to require, you know, maybe not bringing in money as quickly. And so I actually feel like you have been working on the right thing. So just kudos to you there that sometimes, you know, maybe your brain is this cleaver and going actually that isn’t the right thing to work on right now. This is bringing the money and let’s just rock this, you know.

00:08:11

Kirsty: Well, I think partly because it also builds on my skills. So my, my work with people is something that I can’t replicate necessarily. Like my style. The way I do it, the way I pick up on things from people is literally me. And the idea of leveraging it is to go, how can I duplicate some of that?

00:08:29

Natalie: Yes.

00:08:30

Kirsty: Because there’s only so much of my time that I’m able to sell. But what comes with that is that I need to set up processes and systems and they’re not the bits that I’m good at. I’m good at the people part. So it’s almost actually as I’m saying that I’m thinking, who can actually help me to transfer the bits that need to turn into the content so that I’m not trying to do it because it’s just not exciting for me. And as much as I try and make it exciting for me, if it’s not, it will never get to the top of the List.

00:08:56

Natalie: I actually think it was really cool because you were explaining just how your brain works. Then, like, while I’m talking to you, I’m like, right. Visualizing so and so to be able to do the thing. And I’m like, okay, this is good.

00:09:07

Kirsty: Yeah. This is showing how while I’m talking, there are five other, at least things that are happening in my brain at the same time. And if I explain this example that I had with my family a couple of Sundays ago, I was sitting trying to work out the grocery list, one of probably my worst tasks of the week, because it means I actually have to plan things for the week. I can’t just go, what do I feel like eating today? I eat that thing. That’s how I naturally would go about doing things. But my family need fed more consistently than that. So I have to actually plan it out. And if I turn up at the supermarket without a list, I literally just like, will come home with chips and chocolate. Like, there’s not a lot else or random things that are not going to make meals. Right. So while we’ve been here in Australia, I’ve been much better at going, we’re not collecting just stuff in the pantry. Like, we literally buy what we need for meals. And it’s been quite a good way of me controlling that. But I was sitting there and I said to the guys, so I’ve got two boys and my husband. Maybe this is part of the issue. I have two boys and a husband. And I said, so what do you guys want for dinners this week? Give me some input because I. I’m. I’m lacking some inspiration. And I kind of got, you know, someone needed deodorant and someone needed bread or something. And I was like, this is not meals, this is not helpful. And I want to give you an insight. So I told them what had happened when I’d been woken at 4 o’ clock that morning, and the things that had gone through my head while I lay there for probably 10 minutes, but it felt much longer where the. The things to do with everyone’s admin that was needed to do, as well as the work stuff, as well as the home stuff, and as well as things that were happening back in New Zealand and different things were all going through my head. And I literally stopped and looked up and they were just staring at me with their mouths open and were like, what? I’m like, oh, oh, you guys don’t do that. That’s right. I forgot. Like, I forget that that’s not how everybody’s brain Is working that when you wake up in the night with things that not just a thought, kind of ruminates, it’s like I’m planning months in a head or I’m dealing with the to do lists and trying to keep them all on track. And I think a lot of women have that anyway. Just.

00:11:06

Natalie: I think it’s a woman thing. Yeah. I’ll look at my husband, I’ll be like, oh, he’s got a deep look on his face. I’ll be like, baby, you okay? Goes like, yeah, I’m just trying to work out if I fix the trailer of the boat or just buy a new trailer. And I’m like, are you serious right now?

00:11:20

Kirsty: I thought you were like, stuff.

00:11:22

Natalie: Yeah. I thought you were like, angsty over something, like quite important to the family.

00:11:26

Kirsty: Yeah. No, While I’m thinking about, you know, like the. The diagnosis we’re working through with our son at the moment and the school things that I needed to follow up on and the sports stuff that hadn’t been done yet and the. All the. That life stuff that I know women just carry more anyway. And then you throw in the business stuff and, and all the other things and it’s a lot. I literally, that morning was sitting there thinking, I can hear my husband’s awake and we’re both pretending not to be awake because no one wants to be awake at 4:00′. Clock. Well, not at our house anyway. And I was like, I bet he’s thinking, how long does he have to wait until he can get up and watch the Formula one? And half an hour later he got up and turned the Formula one on. I was like, I knew it. I knew that his brain was just going funny. So what time would be kind of like your trailer example? It’s like he’s not sitting there thinking about the millions of things that are happening this week. He’s just focused on when he can get up and watch the Formula one. And yeah, that’s just us normal. We’re just different.

00:12:19

Natalie: What I think would be really cool is just sharing with people how you’ve ended up in Australia.

00:12:25

Kirsty: Oh, yeah. So I guess coming back to what I mentioned before about my brother and his very complicated brain, when I got that full report, I went into a little bit of a spiral for myself, particularly around, like, worry for my boys of what also, you know, has. That I’ve obviously got, but also potentially what they have as well. And I’ve always been really concerned about getting them through teenage years. Like, teenage years for all of us are really challenging I personally had moments of, you know, self harming and suicidal ideations and things like that. I know, like really horrible things to be hearing while you’re listening to a podcast, but things that would, that I just figured that was normal. And I’ve had people in my family who have taken action on those things and been sadly successful. And so I really got this feeling of I need to build my core family to a way that we can get through hard times together. We needed to break some cycles of behavior that were sort of intergenerational and things that I could see were influencing still that I really wanted to create a bit of space from. So we were literally driving home from seeing family down in Wanaka one weekend and I said to the car, what if we went and did a year somewhere? And my son, who loves Wanaka because we do have family that he loves down there, was like, yeah, we should move to Wanaka. And I was like, I’m thinking a little further afield. You’re like, what if we were more like a plane ride away from people? And it just started a conversation and it took us a few months to actually make the call. And I remember we were sitting one Sunday afternoon going, okay, so when are we actually going to make this decision? And we were talking, the four of us, the whole time. So my boys are now 10 and 11, sorry, nearly 12. He’s very careful to highlight nearly two years apart, not one, because that is wrong. They also look the same age. So he’s always disappointed when people ask if they’re twins. So they’re nearly two years apart. And they were like, oh, the kind of. The key thing is we’re not really sure about schools. So we were at a really nice little independent school. We’d pull them out of the public system because one had been getting really badly bullied, the other was really struggling with the environment and was really, really affecting his confidence. So they were sort of in this little comfort zone place. And so they were a bit worried about what schooling would look like here and stuff like that. So we literally pulled up websites of schools and we’re looking at different things and having big conversations about what that would look like in reality. And you know, if we’re already going for a year, it’s really safe to like, if it doesn’t work, that’s cool, we’ll come back. And we were just like, yeah, let’s just do it. And that was kind of the decision about July last year that we were going to do it and start telling people that we were going to do it because then it would make it real.

00:15:12

Natalie: I know before we jumped on here, I was saying to you, man, do you remember? It was just a pipe dream. Now you’re blowing the air like, it’s amazing.

00:15:20

Kirsty: Yeah. So we decided to do a calendar year. It was like, well, if the boys are going into school, it makes sense for them to do a year like that. My husband is a software engineer, so he can do his job from anywhere and luckily has been there for 25 years. So they were very accommodating. And we really just started by talking to different people about what the roadblocks we thought we had. So for me, from a business perspective, him from work, the boys, with different things, and none of the roadblocks that we thought would be there were there. And for me, it was really seriously about how do we build our four as a unit where we can go through challenging days. We know that good days come and go, bad days come and go, and we’re there for each other and we’ve got strategies for how we manage those things. And that’s what led us to taking on a bit of an adventure. We’re now seven months into that adventure and we’re now having conversations about when that adventure will actually end and probably it’s going to go longer. Yeah. My youngest is going through some diagnosis stuff at the moment, so we’re really interested to see what the school response is over here. We know what it’s like at home, so to see what it will be like here will be interesting for us, and that’s pretty much going to be our deciding factor. But one of the boys has pretty much already decided he lives here permanently.

00:16:30

Natalie: So, yeah, he’s like, I’m here, guys. I don’t know what you guys are doing.

00:16:33

Kirsty: He’s like, so I live here now. And, yeah, it’s going to be having to work through the decision again as a family to make sure it’s the right thing for as many of us as possible, because it’s really hard to go, actually. Where do we each thrive and if that’s not in the same place, how do we manage that? But that’s my primary focus. And I had probably one of my proudest moments as a mom last week. Oh, yeah, I was away. I was back home doing a week of work and my son, when I spoke to him one afternoon, just didn’t look right and I could tell something was off and he didn’t want to talk in front of the group, which was fine. So I followed up with him afterwards. And he burst into tears and told me that his friend had told him he was going to take his life that night. Oh, wow. And I’m in a different country, and I can’t do a lot about that. But it was sort of bringing up all the things about what I was hoping to, you know, build our boys to. To not get to that point of feeling that overwhelm and that feeling of sort of, you know, what are. What are my choices here kind of thing. And I’m grateful for the tools I have and for the kind of conversations we already have as a family. That meant that I was able to talk to him and. And got his permission to talk to the family and. And created conversations for them that they hadn’t been having.

00:17:43

Natalie: So what a. What a huge moment.

00:17:46

Kirsty: Really, really massive. And I was like, you know, the fact that he could talk to me, the fact that he was telling me how he felt about it, for all the things that we’re here to do, to create that ability to tell me what. What’s going on, to not let it get to a point where it does feel that overwhelmed, because I know what that feels like. I’ve been there and I’ve had it. And I think when your brain works differently as well, those moments do feel more overwhelming than maybe what they do for the neurotypical people. So.

00:18:11

Natalie: What a beautiful mama. Like, it’s such a moment.

00:18:14

Kirsty: It was a massive moment. And I really reflected on it afterwards, other than going, oh, my God, I just felt so sick during that time.

00:18:19

Natalie: Yeah.

00:18:19

Kirsty: I was just like, God, you know, the way he handled it and the way he was willing to talk about it and not just bottle it up and think, you know, he had to carry it was massive. And the impact potentially that having us having had a conversation had on that family is also really big. So it’s just such a core part of my purpose, really.

00:18:40

Natalie: But I think too, like, you know, wanting to break the cycles and you doing the work on yourself, you get to, you know, like, real pat on the back, because if you hadn’t done that your work on yourself, then you wouldn’t be able to have had capacity for him. And those feelings, he would have been having even really different conversation, probably not even having conversations.

00:19:00

Kirsty: We wouldn’t have. We wouldn’t have even dug into the. Why was he looking a bit off? It was just like, oh, you know, there’s a moody kid, kind of let it go, which would have been, yeah, yeah. What happened, you know, in other generations, particularly in my family, it was like, you don’t talk about that stuff. It’s all kind of hided away and you talk about therapy. That was something that I jumped into when this sort of happening last year.

00:19:20

Natalie: I just wondered if you had thought about something. You’re like already doing it. I’m like, yeah, yeah.

00:19:26

Kirsty: Last year was a big like work on myself.

00:19:28

Natalie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:19:29

Kirsty: And it’s funny from a business perspective, I’ve just been finishing my like final accounts for last year and I’m like, ah, financials weren’t quite where they were supposed to be. And then I’m like, man, but think about what else got done. And that’s something I probably wouldn’t have had capacity for myself for, for that kind of different dialogue in the past because I’m like, man, last year I did a lot of work on me and on my family and yes, I still have a successful business. But also the financially it didn’t look as good, but that, you know, in terms of the greater purpose in life that I’m fine with that.

00:20:01

Natalie: So, yeah, and I think that’s, that the, the, the cost of you not doing that would have impacted your business in a long, on that long, longterm. Hey, and I think sometimes we can go, go look for strategy and sometimes as business, business coaching, not sometimes that strategy is actually we got to work on you because the things that are happening in the business aren’t because the strategy is not working. It’s the person actioning that strategy and the lens in which they’re doing it from. So you’ve done a huge amount of work and, and that’s something that we have a real shared integrity piece of because, you know, with you being a coach as well, I’m going to put your biz and all that stuff up in the show. Notes and links to follow you. Is that fine line between, hey, actually you need to go and seek a profession, you know, some professional help. Not saying we’re not professionals, but we’re not psychotherapists.

00:20:53

Kirsty: It’s different help though. It’s different. Yeah.

00:20:55

Natalie: Different help. And knowing that line, hey, that line of line, actually I’m, I’m, I can’t help a. I don’t know how, but also the lines are blurring.

00:21:04

Kirsty: Yeah, yeah, for sure. And our interaction was for a purpose. It was for a business purpose. But what I really appreciated was that you were willing to call me out on some of the personal things and go, hey, actually this is what I’m hearing because I think so often we can kind of just Go. Well, that’s not about this topic. So I’ll just. We won’t go there.

00:21:20

Natalie: Yeah.

00:21:20

Kirsty: But actually, particularly as women in business, all of those elements come together like there is no blurring, there is no line between work and home. They all just are what they are. And I recently had someone say to me about the work life blend instead of work life balance, which I really liked because I was like, yeah, there is no balance.

00:21:38

Natalie: Yeah.

00:21:39

Kirsty: What is that? I don’t know what that is. When your brain doesn’t turn off and when the emails keep coming in and you go on holiday but there’s no one else to pick up and do things, you’re like there. This is just the reality. And yes, you can put things in place to try and manage that and have some boundaries, but that will come and go and there’ll be times when one needs more attention than the other and that’s okay. Yeah.

00:22:02

Natalie: I’m quite interested to know, like for you, having space from cycles, family, different life from in Christchurch, what’s the kind of seven months of space done for you?

00:22:15

Kirsty: I think probably the biggest thing that comes to mind is I am more relaxed.

00:22:19

Natalie: You seem more relaxed, actually. Yeah. That’s interesting now reflecting that.

00:22:26

Kirsty: Yeah, yeah. I am not constantly on edge and I think part of that is actually the life we had also created there where you’re kind of doing all the things and you’re running everywhere and you’re constantly trying to do everything and see everyone and do all that stuff. Here. We purposely haven’t kind of embedded ourselves in everything, but also we’re very conscious about what, what we do choose to engage with. But we’re also living like we’re in the Sunshine Coast. So if you’re going to live somewhere that feels relaxed, come here.

00:22:54

Natalie: Like cold Christchurch. Some of our many messages. Do you remember like one, one winter, I think it was last winter that was just like everyone was just getting annihilated, especially you and your family were just sickness after sickness.

00:23:06

Kirsty: Yep, absolutely. We have had Billy Edit works in saying that like life, I have to say life came with us. We didn’t just run away from it. So we got here. My son was sick for about the first 12 weeks. He was really IL when we got here and like medically we had great help, which is awesome. But you know, that was the reality of coming here. Our rental that we had ended up having to end and we had to find somewhere else. Like there’s been still shit going on.

00:23:30

Natalie: Yeah, yeah.

00:23:31

Kirsty: It’s the language, but that is the Reality of like we still knew that that stuff was going to happen. But yeah, you get to do it in beautiful weather and we haven’t had the usual. And I touched wood on this because literally just traveling back on Saturday I’m like I just heard everyone coughing and sneezing and I’m sure I’m just waiting to catch the things remote working as well as being somewhere that is warmer. I think we haven’t had that same kind of level of illness that comes in. It’s. Yeah. I mean we were on the sidelines of rugby last week and it was 23 degrees in my T shirt and shorts with kangaroos jumping down the end of the field like legitimately. That was the experience. And I turned to my son and was like, how is this winter sport? Like this is not. This is weird. I don’t understand. It does not compute. Yeah. So there’s just lots of that that is different. But that was partly why we chose to come here as well. It wasn’t just same same in a different place. It was like let’s try a whole different thing. And yeah, it’s still English speaking and it’s still yeah, only if you know a few hours flight from home. But that also made it realistic for us and meant that, you know, I could still do the business side. I come back every couple of months and do kind of a week of in person stuff. The rest I can do online and yeah, it’s working.

00:24:42

Natalie: Can we talk about your beautiful dog and the relationship you have with him and just I just think it’s such a brave thing for your. I know he is your family but just the sacrifice that you’ve made to come over there. But just like you’ve left him, I feel like you’ve left them. Like he’s not going to want to come back to you because you’ve left him inside.

00:25:00

Kirsty: I am also concerned about it. So Ted is also known as the well being manager.

00:25:07

Natalie: Yeah, so he is.

00:25:08

Kirsty: He is very much a part of our family from almost like a therapy perspective. I think if, if you know people have therapy dogs and actually I went to a really one of the cool things about back seat. My brain is doing what it does. I’ll come back. I went to a positive psychology conference here last month because there are just more things happening and I’m trying to make the most of getting to those things as well. So I went to this positive psychology conference international congress that was brought together here so cool to go along to. And there was a woman came along who talks about our relationship with, with canines in particular, but animals and the relationship that can have with our well being and stuff like that. And I was like, right, Ted and I need to sign up for. There we go. Adding another thing to the list. Ted and I are going to sign up to do that as well. And she literally uses it as part of her coaching with people. And because dogs bring a different energy, they can be very calming, particularly if you get the right breeds. Obviously not all of them feel that way.

00:26:01

Natalie: Someone sitting here listening with a boxer who’s like.

00:26:06

Kirsty: The Jack Russell that’s bouncing beside them going, I need to go for a walk now. Come on, let’s go. Yeah. So Ted came into our life I think for a reason. He was re homed twice and then he came to us. And the way my husband works is what’s broken about it. Why are we getting it now after two homes? And I was going, well, clearly he’s supposed to be finding us so that’s why we’re going to have him. But he’s a retriever poodle cross. He is just a gem. The boys actually use him as a therapy dog essentially where if they’re having a bad day, they will. I’ll literally find them lying with them somewhere petting him, creating calm. And I found in some of the real turmoil that I was going through last year, he would be something that I would literally put on my lap or lie on the ground with or go for a walk with. And he literally was the well being manager. So leaving him behind was massive. But we knew that that was the right thing for him and us to be able to do what we needed to as a family. So he’s gone to friends of a friend who have got another dog. And this is all part of the plan, by the way. And I get him back, he needs a friend. So I’m going to be able to get another one. Yeah. Oh, I’ve gone blurry. So I have told my husband this and he just thinks I’m joking but in reality that’s the plan. So yeah, that was. I got to go and see him while I was home last week. I haven’t done it on my previous trip because I thought it would probably just kill me. It was really weird because I came in and he obviously knew who I was and he got excited but then he just sort of sat and sort of looked at me like what? Like I don’t know what’s happening. He just looks so confused. He does this thing where he puts his head on your Lap. So he went into that to Nicola, who he’s living with, and sort of looked over his shoulder at me like, I don’t know, what am I supposed to do? So, yeah, I think he has well and truly landed on his feet where he is, which is brilliant. One of the best things about my ADHD is that when things are out of sight for me, I don’t have that same pull as if I’m around it. So really interesting as I. If he was nearby and I had to run into him, I think it would be a million times harder. Whereas I know he’s over there, I can’t see him, I can’t run into him somewhere. He’s off over there. Which sounds heartless because. But you know how much I care about him. Yeah, but I literally have a thing where it’s out of sight, out of mind. So that’s what happens in work as well, is my Inbox has over 10,000 emails in it. Once they go off my main screen, they don’t exist to me anymore. So how do you manage that?

00:28:39

Natalie: How do you. How do you manage that then? Do you just. Not waiting for a reply.

00:28:47

Kirsty: If you’re waiting to hear from me, please get in touch again, because it’s not. It doesn’t exist to me anymore. There is a real downside for me in the business is that overwhelm of admin and then it gets to a point of going, I don’t even know where to go with it. So it just exists. It’s. It’s not great. Yeah. Definitely one of my biggest challenges. But we actually had a conversation in bed this morning. The boys always come and jump in with us in the morning because they. The alarm clock, essentially, because they’re always up way too early. So they come in and we were talking about how at school they’re doing a better me term this term, and they were talking about strengths. What were they calling it? Superpowers and kryptonite and what they each were. And I was like, details and process. Am I kryptonite? It is the truth. That is exactly what it is. And I have got a child who is a cookie cutter version of me, which has helped me to know how to support him and to get him the right help as well, but because I see everything about me in him. Yeah.

00:29:47

Natalie: Hey, so I want to go back to the. Once you got your diagnosis with the adhd, like, what have you. You’ve got some really cool insights on that that we were talking about before we pushed record about, like, you know, get clear on my questions.

00:30:04

Kirsty: I was just thinking, I don’t remember that part of the conversation anymore. So you’re going to.

00:30:07

Natalie: You were. You were great. But the way.

00:30:11

Kirsty: How.

00:30:11

Natalie: What have you done since the diagnosis? Are you. Are you medicated? What are you using tools? Like, what is it? What have you done since you’ve had it and the impact it’s had on you?

00:30:23

Kirsty: I’m going to take you back one step, which is that I. When I had my diagnosis, everything was highly elevated. I’m a high achiever. I just want to put that out there. I did it. I took. I ticked all the boxes and all of them really high. So, you know, a. In all of the areas, which is not usually something to be proud of in this kind of space, but I was like, cool, nice. There was one area that was not high and that. Or elevated, and that was emotional regulation. And as you know, part of my business is about emotional intelligence. It’s about having people to grow their eq. And a lot of that is around our awareness and our regulation and. And about ourselves and about others. And I’ve been on a massive journey with that over the last probably 15 years since I started using a tool. And the work I do that kind of helped me to get, first of all, an insight into what it was and what mine was and was kind of horrified by what it was. As an HR person at the time, I was like, oh, this is not good. But I had never had the lens on it of what is the impact that my changing emotions and moods were having on the people around me. So when I got that, I was like, well, that’s got to change. And I’ve grown it and like, completely overhauled it. And so it was really interesting to me to get that part of my diagnosis to show that it was good.

00:31:36

Natalie: Yeah.

00:31:37

Kirsty: At normal levels where everything else was still elevated. So my first thought when I got the diagnosis was, I don’t have to go to medication. I’m not against medication. I wanted to try it and I did, and I’ll explain that in a sec. But also to know that obviously tools can be really helpful for different parts of it as well. So there are things that I could then look for. I wouldn’t say that I’ve necessarily been dedicated to finding those strategies and changing things just because obviously there’s been a bit going on. But yeah, at the same time, I’m really comfortable and looking for how I can grow the things that help me rather than necessarily have to go straight to how do I medicate myself. So I did go straight into having Ritalin.

00:32:15

Natalie: Yeah.

00:32:17

Kirsty: It was at the time that we were pretty heavy in our planning to come over here and I really got confused about whether how I was feeling was about the uncertainty and the change. Yes, it was really weird. Like I couldn’t get control of my heart rate, which is something that I’m really good at being able to regulate and calm myself when I can feel it elevating. It was like I could feel my heart beating in my chest all day, every day and it felt really off. I felt anxious, but I was like, I’m not anxious about the trip. Like everything was falling into place. I felt like it was all meant to be because the way it was happening was so good. I like it’s. I don’t think it’s that I don’t know what it is. And I went for my follow up with my psychiatrist and he said, just come off it. Because they basically had said to me, you either get like life changing results, no change, or there’ll be side effects that don’t make it worthwhile. So I was like, I fall in the third category.

00:33:09

Natalie: Yeah.

00:33:10

Kirsty: He gave me another one to try. And because we were obviously then getting pretty into our move time, I was like, this is not the time to play around with my hormones and my neurochemicals.

00:33:20

Natalie: Hormones also on top of all this.

00:33:23

Kirsty: Yeah.

00:33:23

Natalie: Oh, wow.

00:33:24

Kirsty: Really interesting thing to put into this is when he did my diagnosis and he sent me the report afterwards. He also sent me a very interesting one, pager on perimenopause and adhd.

00:33:35

Natalie: Oh, good.

00:33:35

Kirsty: And really good because it showed the symptoms and how they line up between the two. So the reason so many women get diagnoses in the, in their perimenopause time frame is because the change in hormones essentially accentuate more of those.

00:33:51

Natalie: I was just going to ask you if it amplifies everything.

00:33:53

Kirsty: Yeah, very much so. But there’s also then parts that exist within each one. So you’re kind of looking at each of those and going which ones line up between the two and which ones really exist between one or the other. Yeah, but yeah, massive part of what kind of happens and why so many women our age and stuff are getting these kind of diagnoses. Apart from the fact that there’s a lot more awareness, there’s a lot more conversation. A lot of the research used to be done, Sam getting on my wagon now. Going, all the research on your wagon, girl. It was. Well, it was all on boys at that age. So boys start showing symptoms at 7 or 8. And one kind of ADHD is that inattentive, hyperactive. So you’re getting that kind of, you know, kids who are bouncing around doesn’t look the same in girls or in women. And so that wasn’t where the research was being done because so much of their symptoms are internal, so you can’t see them. But at the same time, they start showing up when they’re 12 or 13, when hormones are changing.

00:34:47

Natalie: Yeah, yeah, right. It makes sense.

00:34:49

Kirsty: So we go, oh, they’re all just losing their minds because of their hormones.

00:34:52

Natalie: That too, though, right?

00:34:54

Kirsty: As well as alongside that.

00:34:55

Natalie: Yeah, yeah.

00:34:56

Kirsty: So it’s a complicated beast. I don’t. It’s nowhere near as simple as what I certainly thought it was before I started looking into it for myself. Can I do a wee plug for a book that I found really helpful?

00:35:06

Natalie: Yes, absolutely.

00:35:07

Kirsty: There’s a guy called Alex Partridge who did, like Unilad and stuff, those, like, online social media platforms. And he. He. Yeah, he’s got a brilliant podcast called ADHD Chatter where he brings in people either with experience or doctors and stuff, who can talk about it factually. But he’s also done a book called now that All Makes Sense and I’ll send you the details so you can put it in the notes.

00:35:30

Natalie: Yeah, great.

00:35:30

Kirsty: I read it when I was on holiday earlier this year and I was like, oh, my God, this guy’s inside my brain. And it. But it was from his experience and the things that he had kind of gone through and some of the strategies he created for himself, like the time of day that he best thrives working and how to work around, you know, his different energy levels and just lots of things like that, that it was quite cool to see the kind of practical side of it and find some things that resonate with you or don’t. But how much that learning journey helps. And I think that’s been a massive part for me is actually going. I now understand what I’m doing so much more when I’m in paralysis and I’m lying on the couch and it looks.

00:36:03

Natalie: You know what it is?

00:36:04

Kirsty: I’m not just being a lazy person. My. Because my brain’s not stopped. It’s still doing things at 100 miles an hour. The squirrels are still having a dance party in there and they, you know, I’m trying to rein it in by playing solitaire or something to try and just calm it down. So.

00:36:18

Natalie: So now that you’ve got the awareness, you actually can go do something about it as opposed to like maybe making it mean something that it.

00:36:24

Kirsty: That it doesn’t. Well. And I think for me, I went, oh, I understand now why I’m doing that, rather than just beating myself up about it. Like, that’s what I see most people do, is they’re just like, man, I’m crap at this and geez, I’m bad at that. And I was definitely that. And I still kind of do. But I. Without using it as an excuse, I go, oh, hang on a minute. Let’s just think about, like, you. You’re great at being kinder to me than I am to myself when I’m trying to flip that myself. And I can go, actually, there’s a reason why I’m having trouble with that. So what’s my strategy going to be? And who might I need help from to be able to do it, rather than just trying to battle on and work it out for myself and just feel like a loser because I wasn’t doing it right.

00:36:59

Natalie: You said another cool thing. You may not remember, but I don’t. Can’t remember verbat. You can’t. I can’t remember verbatim. But you said you did a podcast when you were in Christchurch last week and you talked about how something about. There’s something being neur. Neurodiverse isn’t the problem.

00:37:17

Kirsty: Yeah, typical systems are.

00:37:19

Natalie: Yeah, I talk about that because I think there’s so much.

00:37:23

Kirsty: There is so much about that where. Because it’s not just about adhd. Right. And your diversity is a whole raft of different things and they look really different. And when we put people in workplaces together, often we put expectations in place that go to the. The majority. Right. Which makes a whole lot of sense. But the more I’ve been looking at it and like, I understand now why I’m much better working on doing what I do and having flexibility for myself. I have no one to feel accountable to other than clients, and I can manage that. You know, I. It was very different when I was in house. I’d be bored within six months of every job that I did have. And I’d then try and hold on for another year or so to try and make it a little time before I was going somewhere else. So, you know, again, sitting playing solitaire for hours every day was probably not ideal, but I could get the work done I needed to do in a shorter amount of time because I can just get it done when I need to. So I listened to a webinar here in Australia. It was to do with some research that was done earlier this year about the impact on neurodiverse people in workplaces around their mental health, their wellbeing, like way higher levels of burnout, of discrimination, of bullying, even violence as well in workplaces. And one of the big things that came out of it for me that really stood out was, is that we shouldn’t be trying to create systems that meet, you know, the majority of people. It’s like, yes, we might need that as an undertone. And I don’t try and make light of that, that we’re, you know, got all the resources in the world. But also if we’re having individual conversations with people and making it safe for them to ask for what they need to be able to individually thrive in a workplace, then we can do that in a much better way than, you know, expecting everyone to be in the office at the same time and work in an open plan environment and attend certain meetings and, and you know, say hello to everybody in the morning. Some of those things are extremely stressful for the people that are being asked to do them and they are brilliant and have like, this is, this is the statistic that’s my favorite. Right. Is that neurodiverse teams are 30% more profitable. 30% more profitable. Yeah. Than having teams that are just neurotypical. Like it’s not just about, oh, that’s harder for us to have to then manage that and different expectations and different stuff. It’s like, yes, but if you have people who think differently and bring different ideas and work in different ways, you get so much more for your business, which is what my business is built on. It’s if people are doing well, organizations do well and all the research tells us that. And yet we’re all a bit slower at catching up on what does that look like and how do I do it without feeling completely overwhelmed by everyone’s different needs.

00:39:59

Natalie: Are you going to bring some of this, this passion into it? Because that’s what I’m hearing from you. Into your coaching work that you do now. Do you think that you’ll use, maybe it might be one of your workshops or something that you’ll start to go be that I suppose the expert in to help navigate. What are you going to do with that?

00:40:16

Kirsty: I, I kind of feel like I was actually just thinking before I jumped on with you, I was like, weird that I’ve, I have not done podcasts before. I’ve done two in a week and they’re both talking about neurodiversity.

00:40:26

Natalie: Yeah, yeah.

00:40:26

Kirsty: I’m like, I don’t want to be the poster child for neurodiversity, but because I’m one person, my experience is mine. There are so many. And the more I learn about that, just everyone’s experiences are so different. But there are commonalities and there are things that we can become more aware about and be more understanding of that mean that we get the absolute benefit of people in workplaces with this kind of, you know, with their different things that are going on for them. Because just like there can be these things from neurodiverse perspectives, the same thing happens from a cultural perspective, from our different individual styles that I work with a lot in my business. So a lot of it’s actually around our general approach to how do we forgive others for the things that might seem frustrating to us and go, what is the benefit or what is the value in that? And that’s a big part of what I do now. But I am starting to see that just naturally by my own experiences. I talk more about my experience. Therefore other people get interested in it. And it probably will end up being one of my offerings. Offerings at some point. But I’ll put that on the list with all the other ones that I’ve currently got on the list.

00:41:26

Natalie: So speaking. Speaking of all the offerings on your list, you did so much work on yourself last year and still continue to do so. And you’ve been in Australia for the last seven months. What are your plans in your biz? Not with this, I suppose, newly found personal development and the diagnosis, like, what do you see for yourself coming up?

00:41:47

Kirsty: Honestly? Yeah. No idea.

00:41:50

Natalie: Great. But I think that’s so refreshing because you’re like, I still, I don’t know.

00:41:54

Kirsty: There’s no plan. There isn’t a plan. There’s never a plan. There’s lots of things that I get interested in. There’s things that I pursue because I am interested in them. I’ve noticed every year I’ve been doing my business now for eight and a half years.

00:42:05

Natalie: Yeah.

00:42:06

Kirsty: And every year it said something different about it. It kind of always. A couple of years ago I noticed that it’s like the year of is sort of. When I look back on a year, there’ll always be something that was different about it. Whether it was a year that a business partner joined me. Funnily, now I don’t have any of them. I’ve had two. They both decided I was not for them. And I now understand that’s probably quite understandable.

00:42:26

Natalie: They weren’t for you. They weren’t for you.

00:42:28

Kirsty: We weren’t for each other. And I think that’s part of, like, some of the feedback I would get from them. Also, when I reflect back now, I’m like, I know exactly what that’s speaking to, and I didn’t have the awareness at the time of what that was like. And I think that’s a really important thing for all of us when we own our own businesses, is to go actually, is it adding something or is this kind of making things more stressful or harder or. Because it’s hard enough as it is. So, yeah. So your honest answer is, I don’t know. I’m just gonna have to keep evolving the way I have been and. And see what comes next. But there’s no but.

00:43:01

Natalie: I’m actually really pleased that you said that, because I think that’s really embracing all of who you are. You. Like, you. You don’t. Now it’s. I feel like you’re more relaxed about. I don’t know. And I’m okay with that because I actually quite like not knowing and kind of grass, you know, seeing things as they come and grasping onto it and being like, oh, cool, I want to give this a go, I think. And the fact that you’re like, eight and a half years of business in, no one can go, oh, how you’ve been thinking and doing is wrong because you’re still fucking here.

00:43:27

Kirsty: You know, one thing I. I definitely had progress on last year was about things I didn’t want to do anymore.

00:43:31

Natalie: Yeah.

00:43:32

Kirsty: There were things that. And that was a big part of what our conversations were about, was there were things I was doing that were not good for me. And part of my.

00:43:39

Natalie: Well, you say yes to all the things.

00:43:42

Kirsty: Yep. Because at the time, it’s like, yeah, I can do that. Yep. I can add that in. Sure. No problem. And then just die in the background.

00:43:48

Natalie: Yeah.

00:43:48

Kirsty: Yeah. And that’s the kind of stuff that also was having a real impact at home as well. Like, I was then not the best person to turn up for my family. And that’s the thing I hear from a lot of people. I work with leaders a lot, and it’s the impact that they’re having on their families when they get home. Burnt out at the end of the day, highly stressed feeling.

00:44:04

Natalie: Yeah.

00:44:05

Kirsty: Feeling pulled in all directions. And they feel huge guilt for not turning up as their best person at home. And I’m trying to help them to be able to manage that in a way that, you know, doesn’t get detrimental. I’ve literally had people come into meetings with me where they’re like, I think my wife will probably just not be there one day when I get home. And it’s like, okay, let’s. What are we going to do to change that? So, yeah, it’s massive.

00:44:27

Natalie: So just to wrap up, because we’ve had a jolly old time, you know, listen, I’ve given some really great feedback about the conversations we’re having and people are listening to this series, so I’d love for you to. If there’s something, it could be a woman or a man in business who may be struggling with, you know, some family dynamics, some trauma, some adhd, all the things. What do you.

00:44:51

Kirsty: What do you want to share with them that’s human. And we all carry, like, one of the things we have in common is emotions and we all have lots of them and they’re there for data, they’re there for information. So listen to them and go, what do I need to do to take action on them if they’re things that I don’t want to feel anymore? And particularly where it’s about, you know, things to do with your family. I have not had a single question in our action of coming over here about whether it was the right thing to do. But because our purpose was so strong and when I talk to people in business, when I talk to people doing career coaching, whatever thing it is, when we come back to if our purpose is strong, you do the hard stuff. This was not easy. Coming over here was not an easy thing to do. It’s a huge amount of work and as you know, quite stereotypically the woman in the family. I did most of the admin and the planning and the logistics and the actual kind of getting us here. But it’s. I was happy to because I knew this was the right thing for us to do and not because others weren’t on board or anything like that. But it was like, I, I have the capacity. I can just make it happen, I’ll do it. And then probably spent a good few weeks once we got here recovering from doing that. But I knew it was all for the right reason. So I think, yeah, if you’re feeling like there’s something there, pursue it. If you think things look too hard, break it down. Look at one thing at a time. And it’s amazing what you can end up doing.

00:46:17

Natalie: Oh, amazing. Thank you so much. I just know how much people hearing other people’s stories is just a real gift. So I appreciate you being so open and sharing us, sharing some cool stuff.

00:46:28

Kirsty: Yeah. And if anyone wants to reach out and ask anything. I’m always happy to answer questions. I’m always, you know, I’ve got so much time available. I love to add more things, but, no, that’s not to add guilt to anyone who does want to reach out and ask a question. You know, I’m very happy. I am, as I say, very open, open book. And my experience is one person’s. So, yeah, hopefully there’s something useful out of that.

00:46:49

Natalie: There’s lots of useful. So thank you so much.

00:46:51

Kirsty: I appreciate that. Thank you. You’re welcome.